|
|
Monday, May 2nd, 2011
| |
11:03 pm
|
|
| Monday, January 3rd, 2011
| |
6:31 pm - I may have accidentally a word
|
First of all, legality is not the same as morality.
An action may be immoral, but perfectly legal.
Also, clearly moral actions may be illegal.
Law is a device.
Law is a weapon.
Second of all, money is not the same as value.
Something may be incredibly valuable, but that value may not be symbolized through money.
Something may be signified through large amounts of money, but that money may not symbolize value.
Money is a device.
Money is a weapon.
I say that privilege wears blinders.
I say that the shield of power is ignorance.
Much of my mental power is dedicated to understanding what my place in the world is. Do I accept the clear stratification of power and wealth, or do I search for a much hazier pyramid of skill and clear perception? I believe that I have senses that are flawed, but that I can compensate for these flaws through tireless dedication to the accumulation of a particular variety of knowledge. This knowledge hinges on the ability to interact with the world in a way that is simultaneously profound and unique. I learn and build this kind of knowledge through other people's skilled clarity of language, weather predictions, athleticism, planning for tasks, comprehension of events, shaping of their communities, care for animals and children, traveling, execution of desires and fantasies and even their subversion of power. What I desire is to change the world to make it a more just place.
And what I really want to do is spend a day or two with you
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, December 1st, 2010
| |
5:30 pm - Go on and explain yourself
|
stole my thought but bothered I'm not.
ahh...don't arrange your words like that. it makes them overwrought.
you're talking about feelings that are really, really wispy. they tend to just get blown away by whatever breeze hits your senses next.
I mean, come on, have a little concentration! a little dedication!
I think to myself that I have lost the will to drive myself toward effort but I am having that thought as I bike uphill against a 30 mile an hour headwind on the first day in December when it's 27 degrees outside so clearly I am having some sort of misguided feeling. I bike miles and miles in cold weather and skateboard until my body aches for stillness and water and get pulled around by mangy animals for hours on end or wash them with strange smelling shampoos that leave my hands leathery and I'm complaining to myself that I don't have dedication or concentration? or drive? or effort?
every day is so much drive, and effort, and concentration, and dedication. creatures of habit but that habit wasn't acquired easily. that habit took a lot of callous to support. a lot of glossing over the pain and pushing aside the discomfort.
I work a job that makes me wonder if life will ever be comfortable. if I move my body a certain way it will work perfectly and without any little painful twinges. It seems like I merely can not find the right position but clearly this is foolish. and it seems foolish but I'd still like to find that perfect spot.
but this anxiety, this overarching anxiety - it is a matter of controlling that energy that allows me to just do my daily tasks which require so much work in the physics-class sense of it - controlling that energy in some way that meets the expectations of the more powerful, and more well-connected, and more wealthy, and more beautiful, and more skilled around us. appease. once glance at a time.
all so that we may also have massive outlays for ourselves, huge sprawling swaths of raw earth tilled and watched and grazed for us, gargantuan tubs of coal and mountains that once held them, animals lined up for lengths measured in kilometers. I am thankful for the lightbulbs. I am thankful for the calories. I am not so thankful for the slow, bad, stupid tragedy of single-mindedness clouding the future's horizon, making us unsure if there's an edge out there or a pit that falls forever into itself.
I am not entirely sure why I am under the impression that I have skills of negligible value. I am entirely sure of why I am under the impression that I am of negligible value: the number on my paycheck that looks like a cruel joke. But my skills? I don't mean the job. I mean...the life. The long-developing photograph.
Is what is valued by people outside of myself what I should always value most?
Can I be poor and content simultaneously?
Do I try to live up to her expectations or to my own?
I do not feel rushed as you feel. But I am moving along too.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, September 17th, 2010
| |
10:18 am - it didn't stop writing songs it just stopped making them real
|
do i
do i
do i have to live
on bittersweet lane for my whole life?
it is already perfect
and here i am trying to make it better
we might have to pay
pay much more than we thought from
carrying a load already there.
however i can slide through the swinging traps
will be the route we'll follow.
we'll figure the end once we're there.
how do you deal with the knowledge that the journey was the reward all along?
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Monday, September 6th, 2010
| |
8:56 am - too early today
|
it's labor day
my dad came last month
it was good and weird
having your parent around is like
constant self-evaluation
had to settle on the compromise
that I can only be me
I am my father's son
appeasement is a losing and uphill battle
minecraft is a game which is so beautifully simple I nearly cried the first time I played it
place block
remove block
my eyes need a break from it
you go online
and spawn in these giant indestructible rooms
once you're out there's cities
big unplanned messes
flooded caverns and pillars and weird roofs
but if you can make your way out of the mess
there are endless fields
full of sculpture
interlocking pixelations
placed piece by piece
no gravity to spoil the mood
impossible shapes, impossible places
the skydive levels, where you fall for a minute at a time past things that thousands of people have contributed to and slowly build up,
almost always give me giant goosebumps
something about this concept that this game
and this designer
have stumbled onto is very important
it is something deep in our brain
and cleverly made to inspire such thoughts with passive simplicity
simple shapes, simple ideas, complex by mere overlap.
We are not individuals. We are individuating.
lisa is sleeping in
looking beautiful sprawled out on our bed
I don't know what to write
the smell of that room will stay with me forever
she has today off
I was supposed to but there are 38 dogs that are due out on tuesday
and they must all have baths and such
the thought of how much work is staring me down sort of makes my stomach drop
keep going, keep going, keep going
It is clear that we have reached the point at which we are free to look behind us and notice how beautiful the arc really was, but we're no longer at the top and there is quite a long slide ahead of us.
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Friday, July 30th, 2010
| |
10:16 am
|
there is infinite anger to strangle away necessary confidence
and I just found out that dreaming of airplanes crashing is dreaming of your goals collapsing
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, July 26th, 2010
| |
6:08 pm
|
I could feel you crashing all up into me
you smashed your face
I felt a little bit more retired
than before when you were whole
I bet when you think of yourself it is those days
I think when I think of myself it is then, too
I feel like I'm greased by Tourette's so I can repeat a function
do a task until you can really do a task so well that you know how many steps it takes
some days it is 271
a good day would be 250
a bad day would be 300 or more
no, those numbers are made up, I am busy forming other ideas than a number at those moments
repeat your daily pattern
complete a mental picture
go walk by the lake for a minute
the greatest moments are when you can fully contemplate the reality of a situation
and treat it, view it and narrate it as it completely is, fully, filled up, brim-touched,
at least as though your full faculties are absorbed in that vision
and you are perfectly clearly able to enjoy the washing over of events
time becomes a long receding sidewalk
what they say does not import so much conclusively negative self-realization as it used to
I know my ugly ways
They are mine alone and I love me for that
I think you're a soul with a body
(a mystic, and I can't keep up)
no, no
yes, yes
next phase now please
pretty
please?
(with a cherry...?)
I'd highly recommend watching this: VBS' Doin' It Baja because it seems like a goodly time, something we ought to do already, all of us, and by them, I mean me (of course).
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, July 16th, 2010
| |
1:55 pm
|
|
How are you all not getting worn out of trying to play this middle schooler "how cool can I be" game? I really lost interest long ago. It's quite tiring, too.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, July 15th, 2010
| |
9:34 pm - over broad open spaces.
|
some blithering.
the sun was so hot that the pavement looked like a white sheet. paint on it by moving your feet in correct patterns and putting yourself where you must be. know the trajectory and manipulate it at your will. a grid collapses the entire space into a small image in your mind. over this square, then push on that one, then onto the next square - or rather, onto the next day. from this day: away, one foot in front of the other, forward.
camped up in a nerd hole
going to spill big words tonight
doesn't speak on the streets
not the truth anyway
she goes where the people are not a bother
but to me it is a hassle
I listen better to birds and dogs than the human voice
I'd rather not now but thank you
and have a good fun
glazed helmet kid
gone bad just at the curve
caught a lip and came down
right onto the lake
look at the seabed
and how the fish are like an aluminum liquid shimmering
school you wish you were, now
show off
good one
I caught the lip of a joke and it sounded like coping
what a nerd kid!
requesting reply
wants time to consider
wants time to condescend
is really looking better
wanting to know what you're after
give us all a push, won't you? I can't speak for the world but I can't not think in dumb children's terms about it. I am not a computer or a comprehension machine. I am not a repetition device. Ok, sometimes I am a repetition device. give us a push. let us get down this next hill so we can push back up and go down it again. I got an angle on it and it looks pretty comfortable from here. push autosave to keep luminating. no? no autosave? ctrl + x. I am not a repetition device. This is, though.
I can't help but think that Prince must be right about the internet. It's done.
That is not to say I am over it but that I have lost my idealism about such a place. Idealismo, like an odor or a scent you can but in a department store. Tasty, flavorful idealismo sweated out in July nights. we are fortunate to have a little freon compressor unit we can run but I have dreams of hidden rooms running up our power bill into the hundreds of dollars range. biking, walking, skating, thinking, cooking ... all fairly miserly activities in this variety of heat. outrageous, skin-searing, dog-cooking, bike-tire-mooshing heat. you can feel that stuff sit around in your soul.
oh yeah sure, your soul. I bet you got your feelers out there right now for your soul. A thumb dipped in a glass of water, and those ripples rippling beyond the glass and reaching across the room - an extended pattern in one of Plato's white experimenting rooms. where thoughts and words are formed in a bizarre laboratory of language and conceptualization. delicious reverse-love.
ah-HA. I am trying to make myself appear!
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, July 3rd, 2010
| |
12:14 am
|
yeah, I'm hungover
not from alcohol
from ibuprofen, edema and fever
my ankles are too big
my shins are throbbing
my knees look like baseballs
not cool, virus.
not cool at all.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, May 27th, 2010
| |
11:25 am - passing
|
no argument
no ideas
and no more fighting
paradigm
i'm waiting
shifting
watch the sunlight through the leaves
hear the propellers overhead
paint the shadows away
she lives like a mystic
i can't match up
the drapes are so thin that
i feel tragic
the color of the sky in my dreams haunts me
i can feel it coming on
there is no stopping
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, May 18th, 2010
| |
11:31 pm
|
I try to imagine myself capturing thoughts that come in as I struggle to sleep
of course I am not here to complain about not sleeping because I brought that on myself
Kahlua and coffee anytime past 8 is a sure bet for restlessness
I got demoted at work, I got the shaft because of the bad behavior of other people
which makes me want to turn into a lion and "take" rather than "ask"
I don't have a point to make other than: what the fuck are you thinking?
Have any of you ever been a no-call-no-show for seven days in a row and kept your job?
I don't know anyone who has. This person at work certainly shouldn't have.
At a certain point I wonder how much of me I can really control
and if any action I ever took, or even any thought I ever had,
was really anything but a simple reaction to my environment.
I just don't believe you have so many choices, and I certainly doubt the facility that enables choice.
How does it function?
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, May 16th, 2010
| |
3:01 pm
|
|
Freedom of speech means you're going to spend most of your life listening to assholes talk about bullshit. Like me!
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, May 7th, 2010
| |
9:40 am
|
you have a long way to go before you can see the world through the eyes of experience
you will weather the disappointments and watch your hands grow calloused
and wonder, before drifting into sleep, if you can really do this.
it will offend your peculiar sensibilities and undermine your self-worth,
but you'll find that those things are nothing but unnecessary sensitivities in a harsh world.
you'll have to buck up and find meaning in a void,
but mainly toughen up because you're not getting any younger and you're not healing any faster.
it will offend you. don't doubt it. it's coming.
it is, actually and realistically, offensive -
but you will be asked to turn off your thoughts and leave your body idling
so it can be driven to the ground for profit.
the cartilage in your joints will swell and your knees won't meet at the same point,
your elbows will grow knobby and knotty,
your ears turning silent over time (though not so fast you'll notice it).
if only you weren't so naive, like i was,
so naive that you can't even recognize how naive you really are,
and how much of a stroller you've been rolled around in your entire life.
you never felt that you were naive, and i didn't either, but you are.
there's another thing coming
and it isn't comfort.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, April 29th, 2010
| |
10:37 am
|
|
Noam Chomsky had this idea about truth. He thinks that when you see truth, it will seem like it's from Mars! A few times recently I've seen excellent journalism which presented coherent facts free of the all too common tragic and debasing engagement with the mainstream paradigm. The thing about the truth is that it can seem like a lingua franca. You stare at the mouth that said the words and think: Did they really just fucking say that? Did that really never fucking occur to me? The epiphany of truth can be all too scarce.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, April 23rd, 2010
| |
6:22 am
|
|
| Tuesday, April 13th, 2010
| |
5:38 pm
|
fur is flying all around me as i'm trying to dry a giant newfoundland.
when i take out my earplugs it's like diving into water
the noise from the air dryers comes rushing in
mindless and droning and whining and all-consuming.
i like the far-away feeling of muted hearing...
but not permanently. and not often.
dogs shake and spray water everywhere. every single time.
this used to really annoy me. now i am happy when they do it.
if a dog doesn't shake the water off, i am worried.
i hate that violent fear they develop,
especially around their nails,
they snarl and bite and are so frustrated and hateful for their vulnerability -
and then once it's over
you just slip the muzzle off,
guide them off the table.
they shake out the bad feelings
and want affection,
looking up at you with their version of a smile.
the tail wags. the teeth show a little.
it's over. that was all it was. i saw a wild animal
turn into a friendly creature
just like that - in an instant -
and they can turn the other way, too (which is how i landed in the hospital).
if only i could learn to just shake bad feelings out.
if only we all could learn that skill: shake out the thoughts.
your body makes everything you experience
so use it like it does.
i think our race would benefit a lot from learning
how dogs manage each other.
there is not dominance or competition without
a check on it -
everyone has to approve, and there is always a referee
and if the feelings get too hot
you can shake it off.
i show up at the skatepark and there's familiar faces, lurkers, pigeons, watchers.
it's a beautiful afternoon. few cars on the road. blossoms everywhere.
it's like the trees grew summer coats overnight,
or over a few nights,
but suddenly much thicker and vibrant and healthy than before.
on my toes on my board: up to coping
burn it backside, scrape the metal against the metal,
standing taller than anyone there for a few seconds,
then back down at speed.
the feel of a board beneath your feet is not something that can just be described
the way soft coping feels as it slides under you and you lock into a grind -
it's too much sometimes, a feeling you want to chase all day long
even as your feet lock up and your knees ache and your mind tires,
your mouth as dry as a chalkboard, tongue scraping against teeth and top of mouth in a desperate
"dog licking peanut butter out of its mouth" motion.
float. grind. float. grind.
something about that rhythm. it seems so familiar.
the feeling of creating something on a skateboard is even better than
the feeling of nailing a song
or creating a labyrinthine collage with myriad meanings splayed out in composed patterns
and even better than turning a phrase in a way that expresses exactly what you meant but adds something to the thought, too.
watch the time scatter,
pushing on against the wind.
watch the cracks roll by,
click(front wheels)clack(back wheels)clickclack.
i dream in that rhythm.
i think in that sound.
sidewalks are rides.
curb cuts are liftoff.
put the board where it needs to be and put your feet where they need to be and all will work out well. it can look so simple, but you try it:
finesse and precision don't come easy.
so if you step wrong, you pay the price.
there are always dues to be paid in
elbows,
knees,
hips,
palms -
bruises for days and scrapes for weeks.
and when i get home, stretching feels like pulling apart sinewy stress
dissipate
dissipate
dissipate
there it goes
exhale
i've been so blessed
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Monday, April 12th, 2010
| |
3:58 pm
|
I am not convinced that the right things matter
I am increasingly sure that whatever seems to matter really isn't so important
I am increasingly unsure of how exactly an individual's maneuvers affect what's around
I am not really sure it's ever worth getting fussy about
Maybe it matters, maybe it doesn't
We won't ever know
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, April 6th, 2010
| |
6:13 am
|
|
| Friday, April 2nd, 2010
| |
6:29 pm - 2 liners
|
1 a prank that turns my dreams into strange colorful drawings of pretend orbits
the vision of a feeling that has yet to occur thought about while idling
2 i fell off my board pretty badly twice on thursday, my elbows are canceled for a while
it must look like i get into fights with wild animals...then again, i do
3 a band makes a document and you listen to it compulsively and it feels like it must have always existed
at its core music criticism is an emotional response. language is bad at music.
4 perry is developing a weird mating call habit. he just twerps and squerks really loudly.
stop flying all around the house. come put yourself on my shoulder, bird. it's not mating season.
5 i bike so much that it doesn't feel like exercise or even a vehicle. it has become a body part.
i am pedaling and wheels, dodging morning drivers.
6 i stretch my toes and fingers constantly by bending them backward, really often and really intensely.
i think it sets my mind a certain way so that i can be loose and patient. all that stress goes out.
7 come walk to the lake with me so we can feel the wind blow us around
i want to feel something i don't know of but will remember vividly
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
